A fine line

I went into Frances’s school with concerns that a boy in her class was having angry outbursts and making her feel unsafe.

The school denied that he was having outbursts, and they didn’t think Frances was in any danger.

I mentioned a recent incident in which Frances was hit by a ball thrown by him.

A witness says he merely threw the ball with the expectation that Frances would catch it. 

So, here is the problem: Frances has great difficulty discerning motive or intention in others. (It was first noticeable during her year of junior kindergarten, and it has not changed in degree or severity during these past five years.)

If a kid brushes past her in the hallway, she thinks it was done on purpose. Every. Single. Time. If someone walks past her table and causes a crayon to fall off, she thinks it was done intentionally. Every. Single. Time. 

You can reason with her and explain the events as accidents, but she won’t believe you. She actually doesn’t know why someone did something, and thinking the worst, in a way, protects her. (It’s not hard to imagine the ways in which someone who doesn’t read motive in others could be led into danger.)

So, you can understand how she might not have known that the boy intended to include her in a game of catch.

People, social situations, interactions, expectations, and rules: they confuse and frighten my daughter.

As a mother, you want your child to be believed and to know that she is believed; however, when your child has ASD with this particular challenge, you walk a fine line with everyone: (1) you can’t accuse the teachers of lying, and (2) you can’t tell your child that something she experienced didn’t really happen.

What did I do? I concluded that, regardless of the reality, Frances needs to feel safe, and we came up with a plan of action that Frances can take when she doesn’t feel safe at school.

Then, I went home and cried. 

When Frances got home, I made no mention of her ongoing experiences with the boy, but I told her of the plan that she can use when she doesn’t feel safe for any reason.

Then, for much of the night, I wondered who was right. 

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On the piñata

Today, at camp, Frances is supposed to be making piñatas. Sounds fun, right?

She has been talking about it for the past couple of days, and only this morning did I realize that she hasn’t been informing us as much as she has been expressing anxiety.

Pink Cup Dad and I tried unsuccessfully to convince her of how much fun she would have. 

She asked, “Do you know how many children get knocked out at birthday parties every year because of piñatas?”

“Exactly zero,” I assured her. “Besides, you’re just making them at this point, and that certainly isn’t dangerous.”

Eventually, we gave up trying to change her mind as we arrived at the day camp and just told her how to avoid getting hit with a stick when it comes time to bash them.

Rule of thumb?

Every day, Frances verifies many rules with me. Usually, they come out of the blue, but sometimes I know what inspired them.

Yesterday, she asked me what happens to biomedical waste. I googled the term, and then we discussed what is supposed to happen and what sometimes happens.

Today, the following conversation…

Frances: Don’t catch raindrops on your tongue, right?

Me: Why?

Frances: Because they come from the ocean, and people put medical waste in the ocean, right?

Rule

Frances’s many out-of-the-blue questions often reflect her need to verify rules.

Recently, she asked:

“Never put seaweed on extremely dry hands, otherwise the natural dyes in the seaweed will turn them green, right?”

They don’t always make sense to us, but they always make us think.

By the numbers

 
I chose to post this panel because it illustrates some important aspects of Frances’s life: 

(1) math and numbers — she is very good and very fast at math; it is her favourite subject, and she has great facility with numbers in general;

(2) rules — she is rules-based in her behaviour. Rules are important to her in that she needs to learn them in order to interact with others, but also in the sense that her behaviour is motivated by rules. She often verifies rules in her questions;

and,

(3) questions — it is the means by which she communicates with others, and a fascinating use of language;

(4) danger — when not climbing or bolting, Frances has a keen sense of danger.